March 03, 2009

Today I am not a Linguist

It goes up and it goes down. I find that at least once a semester (since probably 2nd year) I have to console myself with the most comforting thought of dropping out. Now those of you who are caring and kindhearted people, fret not! Such thoughts never materialize, and in fact I stay in school until the end of all time. Its weird b/c yesterday and Sunday I actually thought “I’m in a really good mood.” Granted I was hella tired, but I spent Sunday walking around in the sunshine on the dry streets of Toronto. I honestly had to remind myself that it was not some kind of summer/spring hybrid day, although I felt like it was (between snow drifts piled into alleys) and that made me happy. Part of what brought on this contentment was reading week, where I got one of my rare releases from my life of academia to roam where the normal people roam, and to eat the normal people food. And to watch TV on a TV. The not doing work every day thing is sticking to me right now, so being back in the haze and craziness is not sitting well. Also I’ve had a few rejections come my way recently, which is part of the fully disclosed raw deal I agreed to, but still sucks. So today I feel more sad, but you know “sad is happy for deep people.” Aligning with this mood I’ve decided to watch Gattaca, which I love so much. It’s brilliant, and the last scene is just beautiful. LOVE. I’m just sorry Ethan Hawke is a jerk in real life. But pretend its 1997 and all we really care about is Gattaca and the geeky roommate from Dead Poets Society. We’ll let him off this time.

I also came across Warning Sign by Coldplay on my iPod. It’s probably still my favourite song of theirs, and it makes me sad too. And when you’re in that kind of still, quiet, sad-like state, you want things that will feed the swirl of the paradoxical stillness to let it sink deeper so that you are in fact even happier in eddying sad. Ya know? Radiohead is good for that too. If it weren’t cold outside I might have gone for a slow walk under the winter trees by the damped sounds from the nearby ice rink. But it is cold, and I am tired. I could have fallen asleep in class today, which could have something to do with the lights being off for the power point, but also because I haven’t been giving the effort to care about classes recently. But don’t tell my prof, he’s a good guy who’s passionate about what he does.

Now why would I tell you all of this… to satiate myself, to feed my own self-evaluation as someone who is insightful and entertaining. Usually my amusement factor comes from me being a dork and watching to see if you laugh while attempting to maintain a straight face. It’s funny when you make fun of yourself, but not in a depressing “I clearly have low self-esteem way”, more of a “I don’t give a crap what you think of me” delivery.

I never understood those people who, in their mid 20’s, say moron things like “this is the way I will be, I’m not going to change now.” That’s total bull and you all know it. I’m a different person every year, perhaps even every month. In some ways I’m more clam, able to speak to store clerks in a non-frighteningly awkward manner, but in other ways I’m more of a freak out (although I’ve come to terms with the bus) and get hyper before I TA and have to resist the urge to do cartwheels down the aisle. But I change everyday, you change everyday. That means we never have an excuse saying we can’t change, because we do. Don’t be a wuss.

If you haven’t seen Gattaca, you should. And if you think you’re too cool to admit to liking Coldplay, you’re not, you’re too lame. And if you take yourself too seriously, trust me, no one else does. Go find and eat some Easter candy, get a roll-up the rim coffee from Timmy Ho Ho’s and try to remember the last time you gave Ethan Hawke a thought. I bet it involved “Reality Bites”.

1 comment:

Lisa said...

I am not ashamed to admit that I love Coldplay. Toronto hipsters have been giving me a hard time about this for years.

Reading your blog is taking me back to the battle that was grad school. I don't miss it at all, but one thing I DO miss: a coffee from Timmy's.